The Shipping Thread: Come Sail Away

Faced with an uncertain release date and a game that looks so promisingly amazing it renders geniuses stupid and infants into old men, we must do the only thing we can and create and argue over the couples that will happen in Bloodstained and why. To those participating in this thread, your solemn duty is as follows:

Ship your couple and say why in a way that leaves no room for argument. Also, include how one of the posters above you is completely inaccurate, and tell us why. They don't have to be good reasons; in fact, please make your reasons as terrible as is humanly possible. Also, be condescending.

I'll start.

Alfred and Johannes. The mutual interests.  The need for Johannes to be taken care of (look at those knees shaking at a mere mook) and the fatherly, wise demeanor of Alfred. Johannes longs for nothing more but to be swaddled and cradled in the mysterious, but confident arms of Alfred. What convinces me more on this is how I'm right about this and everyone else who thinks otherwise is fractally wrong because alchemy said so. If you don't understand what I mean, I'm not going to tell you. It's just a waste of time.