Reddit: The Metroidvania Wars

So, for the past six months I've been tenderly caring for a post taking the piss out of folks who authoritatively claim the features essential to the 'metroidvania' genre as well as what is good (HOLLOW KNIGHT). I now share the product of my madness since the gates of archiving have slammed shut on my further edits.

Here is the final product for your slightly-amused annoyance.

Original thing-stuff here: www.reddit.com/r/metroidvania/comments/95yfrf/defining_the_metroidvania_genre/

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Yes, this again.

But why? There's a great deal of back-and-forth on what games can be considered 'metroidvania' and which may not be. As any self-respecting nerd would do, I've sought to remedy the problem by making it massively overcomplicated. Without further ado, the sub-genres of Metroidvania for your indigestion-based displeasure. Let's start with the genre as a whole and work our way down, all the way to pixelated Hell:

Metroidvania - Kind of like a Mystery Flavored Airhead, we all have ideas of what it could/should/might/maybe/must be. Even though there really is no solid definition, we all know our own is the One True Answer and all must be converted to it or perish in the vaguely-but-not-really-annoying flames of downvotes.

Before we move on, there some rules on what Metroidvania cannot be, because I said so fight me bruh.

1) Metroidvanias may not be 3D, and don't say otherwise you blasphemer.

2) Metroidvanias may NOT be 3D.

3) Fine, you can have 2.5D, BUT THAT'S OUR FINAL OFFER.

And now, because You All Made Me Do This(TM), the sub-genre solution in no sensible order (because what's the fun in sense?):

Castletroid - I put this in just to have it because some miscreants and ne'er-do-wells actually use it. It looks bad, sounds bad, feels bad, smells bad, and tastes bad. Even its aura is bad. That's all six damned sense for those of you keeping count (five if you're an atheist-flavored being; just ignore that 'aura' bullcrap). If you use this term, please stop. Your parents still love you and will forgive you.

Igavania - There. That's better. No better reason to have a genre name than to skirt the legality involved in copyright infringement. Nevermind that IGA himself is partially responsible for making this genre, unless he's not because you hate Symphony of the Night (I suspect these people of using the term 'Castletroid', for all the reasons above). Either way, Igavanias are those Castlevania games that IGA led the charge on. Whether you loved IGA's Castlevanias or not, you are forbidden from using this term because Metroid existed. So don't. If you do get ready for downvotes to fly, because they friggin' will.

Soulsvania - You didn't waste enough of your precious and vanishingly little free time in Dark Souls and Bloodborne dying in numbers too large to recall to really experience the profound ennui that is existence? Want the cred of uttering the 'words' "Git Gud" to people of lesser pedigree than you once you start dying a bit less? Look no further! Self-flagellation now comes in Metroidvania flavor, what ever the hell that is. Hell, Salt & Sanctuary even has salt in the title, because it will dehydrate your tears and put them in sub-par Chinese food you will be forced to have delivered to your door because you're too busy suffering and loathing your choices in life to get off your butt and go get other, more healthy food.

Roguevania - Despite the fact this is NOT a Metroidvania, it is now a sub-genre of Metroidvania through the clever use of vaguely defined rebranding, and it's all my fault. Nevermind if the developer wanted to make the first replayable Metroidvania, we all know they were actually to lazy to design a proper map, because only lazy people work their butts off to entertain others for questionable financial returns. These filthy, rotten, no-good shortcut-takers still somehow produced a fun game called Dead Cells, but we will shun them from this genre for doing that, because we all know the lazy bastards for what they are. Remember, procedural generation is a four-letter word, here. What? Why did I name this as a sub-genre if all I said before is true? To drive you MAD! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Puzzletroid: - If I keep ending things in '-vania', I'll be accused of being a modern hip-hop artist (because proper rhyming only happened in the 90s), and I don't deserve that. This is for those games where you freely wander around a map except when the game forces us to think and figure things out (translation: watch YouTube videos because I've had enough of this crap). You know what? I hate thinking, screw this.

Not-a-vania: Flatly not a Metroidvania (because we clearly know what that is at this point), but just trying to cash in on the genre title. This includes all sub-genres, and the genre proper, including both Metroid and Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Why? You know some wonderful human being on here's going to make that argument about any given game that's (NOT) in this genre, and we can't leave them out.

Hollow Knight - Have you tried Hollow Knight yet? You should try Hollow Knight. Everyone loves Hollow Knight! Hollow Knight! Hollow Knight. Hollow Knight Hollow Knight. HollowKnightHollowKnightHollowKnightHollowKnightHollowKnight. HOLLOW KNIGHT!! I predict this is where the downvotes will happen because HOLLOW KNIGHT!

3Dvania - Am I breaking my own rules? Why, yes I am! Now we can include Dark Souls, Bloodborne, and the PS2 Castlevanias into the genre whether you like it or not! The argument can be made that they all include open-map exploration, power-up-gating, and skill-gating, but if you compare this, you are a heretic and need to report to your local Commissar for subsequent BLAMMING. I'm including this because blamming must happen.

You know what? I hate to keep all this philosophical dissection of 'fun' and self-loathing to myself. What'd I miss? Let's make this genre better (more argumentative, fragmented, and divided) together!

NOTE: This is for everyone's amusement. Unless you can't take a joke, in which case all of this is infallibly true and was etched on stone tablets by a burning pot-roast I found in a wall.

UPDATE: Holy crap, people! We're almost at one upvote! I guess since 55% (and vaguely-annoyingly-but-not-really increasing) of people can't take a joke I have to start a new religion (The Fallible Temple of the Burning Pot Roast Quick Mom Get the Oven Mitts, or TFTotBPRQMGtOM for shorter but more difficulter) as I threatened in the note above!

Thanks to your fun-hating, my sub-genre has gone from potentially amusing drek to disagreeable canon for this subreddit. I know I have no authority here, but u/Fazermint stated he was amused and I'm interpreting that as unofficial and unsanctioned moderator status, because that's how unfounded opinions work.

What's that? You didn't ask for more sub-genres? Well I'm glad you didn't ask, because I've got more!

SuperMetroidtroid - For those of you who just want more Super Metroid, because Super Metroid is unimpeachably superior to all of Castlevania's blatant rip-offs for unclear and not-well-stated reasons (except Simon's Quest, because holy crap NPCs, could you be a little less clear, I wouldn't want to actually figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do in an era before YouTube could fix my life; did the 'translator' actually play the game, or was said 'translator' a cruel masochist?). This is for people who are angry that Metroidvania includes '-vania' because... reasons. Very personal reasons, please don't pry.

Vaporvania - Oh, you poor devs. Lured in by nostalgia for a genre deeply enjoyed in youth, why not make your own? Little did you know this genre takes more work to make one room that everyone's going to run through in about 1.5 seconds without noticing the loving attention and deep backstory you've carefully, painstakingly placed in the background textures. Designing one of these games takes a flowchart so goddamn huge that people walking in on you working on it are going to mistake you for a conspiracy nut until you actually become one as the insanity slowly grabs hold and the walls start to close in. What you thought was going to take a mere year (dude, it's 2D! How hard could it be?) will take you at least 3 or more! But don't worry, IGA's right there with you going 'What the hell have I done to me, good thing I already have this cowboy hat'. The best thing about this sub-genre is that it doesn't exist because the madness that infects metroidvania devs also compels them to finish their eldritch, mind-breaking work so the madness spreads and consumes everything in pixelated, utility-gated 2D maps pretty much just like Junji Ito's Spiral.

Mariovania - Mario 64 is a 3D Metroidvania. COME AT ME, DOWNVOTES.

Veiny 'Roids - This isn't a sub-genre as much as it is an affliction that occurs when discussing Metroidvanias or the resulting sub-genres, or at least I assume from how butthurt some people get over friggin' video games. HAHA! Puns aren't funny.

OK, I'm done for serious now. Or am I?

HELL NO, I AM NOT DONE

Dramavania - A metroidvania (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?!?) that sharply divides the fanbase more than it already is. That's right, stacking and nesting of sub-genres is not a thing. We're going to make this genre of gaming into a veritable Jenga of genre-definition. For examples of a Dramavania, look at the rage of Dead Cells and also... Have you tried Hollow Knight?

Stealthtroidvania - This is, as of now, a sub-genre yet to be! The Siege and the Sandfox is more or less pioneering this, which of course means this absolutely cannot be a Metroidvania, especially if it is. The last thing we need right now is innovation, dammit! Now make yet another Souls-like, side-scrolling, procedurally generated piece of drek and slap Metroidvania on it like a car salesman! 'This baby has more ability-gated locations than you can shake a double wall jump parachute at!'

Saviorvania - This is the one true game to uplift the series not in some gimmicky way, but to set a whole new standard by which all games that dare to even think about almost putting the genre of 'Metroidvania' on its description. Some thing the Savior has come and gone (Symphony of the Night, you gorgeous, old thing; since Alucard is kind of a trap, I guess you could call him a 'silver fox' now?), others think the Savior has only recently arrived (HAVE YOU TRIED HOLLOW KNIGHT?!), but some of us believe the Savior is yet to grace us (Bloodstained, you are our only hope). Regardless, the better the Metroidvania is, the less it is a Metroidvania. This is a rule that doesn't seem to make sense, but totally does if you absolutely refuse to think about it, like most people on Reddit.

2.5DVania - Let's go in-depth on this: But what if we use 3D models but keep the game on a 2D plane with some neat visuals... NO. This is a cardinal sin and we will balk at the color schemes and shadowing in retribution, no matter how cool it looks. THIS IS NOT A METROIDVANIA!

This-is-a-vania? - This category is reserved for the Mummy Demastered, an overwhelmingly okay Metroidvania that no one wanted or asked for, but were surprised to get and even less know it's attached to an absolutely terrible movie IP. Hollywood! We accept your unwanted children into the loving arms of the hate-riddled, spittle-flinging rage that is Metroidvania!

Too-Cute-for-a-Vania - What is with the fluffy, cutesy drek poisoning my slightly campy horror monster romp? This is supposed to be cheesy and dark like a Hammer film! Not kawaii anime girls desu or filled with smiles and happy flowers! I demand miserable little piles of secrets! HAVE YOU TRIED HOLLOW KNIGHT?! IT DOES BOTH.

Am I done? NO. I will continue editing this until they drag me away at the 6 month lockdown, kicking and screaming!

MOAR UPDATE: By the sweet cheese of the Crissaegrim while running, we got an upvote. WHAT? NO. THIS CANNOT BE. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

GRASP THINE BUTTOCKS FOR HERE ARRIVES ANOTHER UPDATE: So, I crossposted this over to r/Bloodstained and now we've gone from 1 upvote to 30. Well, now I have to dismantle TFTotBPRQMGtOM which had a membership of... uh... one. BUT ENOUGH TALK, HAVE A SUBGENRE:

WTFVania: This genre belongs to games that might could be a Metroidvania that make your head feel funny and give you thoughts of questioning your purpose in this life. This goes out to u/selflessscoundrel who pointed out how the Goonies II required you, a kid, to beat the crap out of an old lady for no apparent reason other than the pursuit of saving a mermaid. WHAT? Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest gets a place here because of all the lying, douche-canoe NPCs that not only didn't help, but actually actively sought to hinder, which was compounded by terribad 'translation' we've mentioned before! WHAT? Axiom Verge actually gets to go here, too because HERE HAVE SOME PROJECTILE-EMITTING TENTACLES AGAINST YOUR WILL. WHAT? At the risk of sounding like Little John, I'll also mention Sundered in its entirety, but I won't spoil it. Don't worry, it's not a Metroidvania anyways. NOTHING IS. WHAT?

OK. I might actually be done now...

SO TOTALLY ANOTHER UPDATE: What am I saying? This is my boulder AND I AM SISYPHUS!

LBGTQ+vania - So with the release of a quality, enjoyable possibly Metroidvania experience it's our solemn duty to have a problem with it no matter how inconsequential it is to the gameplay. Timespinner has NPCs that openly discuss their non-hetero nature, AND THIS IS BAD FOR GAMES BECAUSE I AM OFFENDED. That's cool, don't buy it! Oh, wait, you need us all to know how offended you are and how much you disagree? Weird, because you're accusing the game of shoving it's 'agenda' down your throat... DEAR, KETTLE. THIS IS POT. YOU ARE BLACK. Clearly, any game that openly depicts things not mainstream is not only NOT a Metroidvania, but also deeply offensive. Make sure you get a digital paper bag to put this hot topic of a game in, no matter how good it actually is!

Chadvania - This is a predictive response to the LGBTQ+vania that I think someone will make that will be as heterosexual as possible. I have one! The protagonist is a tough-looking guy with a whip whose girlfriend gets kidnapped by the big bad and he proceeds to roflstomp his way through all assortment of monsters for the sake of Hetero Love! But... why does this sound familiar?

Naughtyvania - Let's just show t3h sex on the screen! These actually exist. Sinner.

There. I think that 'covers' everything. Get it? With the last sub-genre? Nevermind.